He had been standing in front of the Cathedral for probably a couple of hours now. In all his long life, walking and driving past it many times, he never once dared to go inside... On the contrary, he would quicken his pace and try to run away from the thoughts that often haunted him. Until this day...
And today, when the last passers-by were hurrying home, and rare cars were driving by, he stood there, looking and this time he wasn't ready to leave... He stood immersed in his memories, as if he were waiting for something...
Many years ago when he was little, his mother brought him to the Cathedral. She said that it was a place where people could talk to God, tell about their troubles and find answers to questions that tormented them. She said that in these walls, everyone could find themselves, but they had to believe... And also, that children could ask for something impossible and, if the child was sincere and pure, the wish could come true...
How long ago was that...
Then he stood next to his mother and, like a child, thought aloud that he would always be a child, that his mother and the whole family would be by his side. And he also made a wish that his sister, who was seriously ill, would recover and be able to play with him again. They left the Cathedral and his mother looked at him with eyes full of love, smiled, and said that someday when he was ready, he would come back here again. And she would be waiting for him in this very place.
He did not yet know how much of it was not meant to come true. He kept in mind her words all his life. And a few days later, war came to his country...
His home was destroyed by a missile hit, just like many other homes throughout his country. He remembered lying for several days amidst the rubble. Only the sunlight, breaking through the cracks, suggested that he was still alive... He heard the yelp of the puppy, that he was given as a birthday present the day before, which fell silent on the second day. He remembered how, among the collapsed walls, he saw his sister's broken crib and a piece of her colourful dress sticking out from under a concrete slab. All his life he wanted but could not remember his mother's face. The terrible sight of her broken arm among the rubble overshadowed all other memories of her.
Rescuers found him on the third day. But he regretted that rescue his whole life. He dreamed of going back and dying with them then.
He was taken to an orphanage. But he ran away. And he ran away every time, wherever he ended up, and whoever took him in... Until he grew up...
Until he grew up and they stopped looking for him, finding him and returning him...
He had absolutely nothing to remember from those wartime and post-war years. Years passed, and he grew up, but he couldn't find the strength to start a family. He was very afraid of letting love into his heart, as his wild fear of losing everything again was endless and all-consuming.
He worked a lot, became successful, but always remained lonely. And his only and most important consolation was helping others... To help those who, like him, once lost their loved ones, hope, strength, and health in the war. Those who carried a crippled soul out of those years and in whom the joy of life was lost forever ... For decades, as he saved others, he held onto the desire to live, while another part of him always remained in the past.
Now, standing in front of the Cathedral, he realized that he was completely tired. Tired of fear, tired of despair. Tired of the same nightmare he had seen every day for over seventy years. Tired of living... The part of him that always made him go forward - gave up.
In front of the cathedral, inside the old man's body, stood the grief-stricken boy from his past, who had been hiding in the depths of his consciousness all his life. He stood there and waited. He did not know how to pray, but his heart called out to her... For back then, in his childhood, she promised that when he was ready, she would be waiting for him...
He stood and waited... And she came. At first, he felt a touch on his hand. And then she took his hand and stood next to him. He was afraid to turn his head, afraid that she would disappear again, and that it was just a delusion. So they stood together for some time. She did not rush him. Just waited and held his hand. And he didn't need anything else.
She was waiting. And he took the first step, then the second, then the third... Making steps towards the Cathedral, he was both the happy, full-of-life boy who walked alongside his mother in his childhood and the old man who came to ask a question but was afraid to go in by himself... He held her hand and she helped him take step by step.
His whole life, there was no one beside him with whom he could grow old, there was no one who could help him cope with grief. And now, going forward, he didn't even notice how old he had become. But her hand gave him the strength that he had unknowingly lost in recent years.
She entered the Cathedral with him, and then let go of his hand, and he understood that he had to go further on his own... And he went, afraid to turn around and see that he was still alone, just like before.
He was standing not in the middle of the big Cathedral, but in the middle of his enclosed world. And in this world of his, the boy from the past, lying crushed amidst the rubble of a destroyed building, asked the same question... WHAT FOR?
Did he expect an answer? No. He had not found that answer within himself throughout his entire life, and he knew he would not find it now.
The city around him slept and sank into slumber, but he no longer wanted to sleep. His dream, his nightmare, which had been haunting him all his life and began every time he closed his eyes, ended today...
He stood in the middle of the Cathedral and was silent, and only the tears on his face spoke for him. All he wanted now and always was to be a child again. To live a happy life, a different life that he never had. And he also wanted to see his family again, snuggle up to his mother, hug his father, and look into his sister's eyes.
But he didn't know many things. He never thought about how much he had done for others in his life. How many lives he saved, how many families he was able to find, and how many he helped start living again. He didn't understand that, although he himself refused to accept love, he was able to help others find it again. They were all infinitely grateful to him, but he didn't accept their love. His heart closed the day the rocket hit their house.
Standing there now, he unexpectedly remembered each person he had helped. He saw their eyes for the first time as they looked at him, eyes full of gratitude for everything he had done for them. If his hardened heart could feel love, he would be surprised to know how many people considered him their second father. Many of them lived in the same city, and many had scattered around the world. At this moment, the connection with all of them unexpectedly became particularly strong. All these people were sleeping somewhere in their homes, but each of them was now next to him. They came to support him one last time and say thank you! And although he could no longer stand on his own, they, filling the entire cathedral, stood next to him. They supported him, and it seemed that all together they were waiting for something...
Life was leaving him, but he was not tired of it, he was tired of a dream that was not destined to come true and of the pain that he had carried within himself all these years ...
And when his question stopped echoing in his mind, and his heart almost stopped beating, he saw them! Those whom he knew he would never see again. Those in memory of whom he never gave up for many years, and for the sake of whom he saved other destinies.
They stood opposite him, seeming to be woven from light. Ephemeral, impossible, but infinitely real! Mom and Dad. And between them, holding their hands, stood his little sister. They slowly approached him. Mom hugged him tightly, kissed him, and whispered that she loved him very much and always knew he would come. Dad just held him close. Like only he could embrace. And he looked at him as in his childhood. Father’s eyes were full of love and warmth. He missed that look so much...
And his little sister, running up to him, began tugging at his pants and pushing him like she used to do in childhood. He sat down on his knees in front of her. And she, like in childhood, put her hands on his cheeks and smiled... Looking at all of them, for the first time in his life, he understood that happiness had returned to him. Even if it was so late.
He looked at them and said he was ready! And asked to be taken with them.
But his sister smiled at him again, hugged him by the neck, and held him tight. And then she stepped back, kissed him on the cheek, and also, with a slight smile, shook her head as if refusing him something...
His gaze dimmed, and all the figures standing around turned into billions of glowing sparks that dissolved in the light of the approaching morning. They continued on their journey, but his journey was not yet over.
He came to talk to God, but he met the people who, as it turned out, had loved him all his life. And he was also able to say goodbye to those whom he loved infinitely himself...
All his life he had hidden himself in the depths of his wounded soul, while giving the world his big heart.
Early in the morning, a young family came into the cathedral. Mather, father, and their little daughter who was just learning to walk. In the middle of the cathedral floor they saw a little boy. He was sleeping in the rays of the morning sun shining through the stained-glass windows. There was a happy smile on his face, the kind that only children can have in their dreams. The little girl let go of her parents' hands and clumsily toddled over to him. She squatted down, took his cheeks in both hands, and smiled.
He opened his eyes. And he saw his sister, whom he had lost many years ago, and his new family. She smiled and hugged him. Looking up, he whispered just one word, barely audible: "Thank you."
He hugged her, and after a few seconds, only in the depths of his childlike eyes, one could glimpse the soul of that old man. His life path and enormous heart returned his sister to him and gave him a second life. And a family he had long dreamed of... If he had listened, he might have heard his mother's quiet voice: 'I love you. And I will wait for you in that same place... When you are ready...'
But he no longer heard the words, he became a child again. And ahead of him was a long and happy life. In a world where there will be no more children's destinies crippled by war!
He came to talk to God...
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® Anatoliy Kavun
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